


Butterfly Effect

by Minky-way (Cardgamesonmotorcycles)



Series: MizuSei Prompts [11]
Category: DRAMAtical Murder - All Media Types
Genre: Abuse Techniques, Domestic Violence, Gaslighting, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Physical Abuse, Prompt Fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 05:52:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8316319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cardgamesonmotorcycles/pseuds/Minky-way
Summary: Prompt- I really love your fic where Mizuki hits Sei. I would love to see more of something like that. Perhaps Sei is being flirted with by a stranger but doesn't realize it so doesn't dissuade the advances. When they get home, Mizu goes off on him about it, getting angrier and angrier with how naive Sei is, and eventually it gets out of hand and he hits him. Of course he would be regretful, of course Sei would forgive... but what if because Sei forgives him it keeps happening? :O





	

**Author's Note:**

> The information in this piece is based on several things, I was lucky enough to volunteer with a domestic abuse charity in my local area, I also am studying for a degree in Abuse Studies so I've drawn information from both these things to make this as realistic as I can.  
> All the techniques of abuse mentioned are real and often have long lasting effects on those they target.  
> If you know anybody or fear you may yourself be suffering from abuse or be in a similar situation then please seek help, there are so many organizations out there made to help people who need it, regardless of gender, etc.  
> I in no way wish to glamorize or romanticize abuse of any kind.

He didn’t know what was wrong, but Mizuki had grown moodier all evening, like a storm was emanating from him and only getting worse as they separated from the others and headed home. Sei just knew the moment they got through the door he’d explode like thunder.

He could feel cold dread in his stomach as the silence persisted the whole way home, not comfortable the way it would normally be, but simmering with underlying anger and his nervousness only grew as Mizuki lit a third cigarette. He almost wanted to ask what was wrong, but he knew how he’d be answered, with a cold snap that nothing was wrong and that he was fine, or maybe he’d just burst out with whatever it was in the street.

Sei wasn’t even sure what had happened, he’d had a perfectly pleasant night, he’d met Aoba’s boyfriend and had a really good, if not short conversation with him, as he was apparently a good amount more friendly than his twin had made him sound. Sure, Mizuki had a couple of drinks so maybe he was a little drunk which always made him more prone to anger, but he hadn’t done anything to make him mad, racking his brains to think if he’d said something hurtful without noticing or done anything bad, but there was nothing.

Then the key was in the door and he’d barely gotten his jacket off and hung up when Mizuki spoke and he cringed into himself because yeah, he was angry, turning cautiously and hiding his hands in his hoodie nervously.

“What exactly was that?” He didn’t seem too enraged yet, but lightning crackled around him dangerously and Sei wished he knew what he was talking about so he could at least apologise and maybe make things right.

“What was what?” He had no idea what he was talking about, none, he hadn’t drank alcohol, so it couldn’t be that, though he never really minded unless he got drunk, which he only had a couple of times and had never since desired to repeat his less than pleasant experience.

But then Mizuki scoffed and the sound was so harsh he cringed, because he hated that he didn’t believe that he honestly didn’t know what he’d done wrong, “with that guy.”

Okay, now he was even more confused, because he was angry about something he had done with some random guy? He thought it over, expression taken aback because all he’d done was talk to somebody else waiting in the queue for a drink, and if anything he’d thought maybe Mizuki would be proud of him for coming out of his shell and making the effort to actually talk to somebody without being forced. But no, he was angry at him, looked almost offended, like he thought Sei was pretending to not understand.

“I don’t understand, I was just talking to him..?” He trailed off weakly, because Mizuki had raised an eyebrow as he lit another cigarette, a sure sign of him not being in the best mood, shoulders squared and intimidating as his face twisted into distrust.

“Talking? Are you really that stupid?”

Now that stung and he knew it was obvious, actively flinching backwards, towards the wall and the escape the front door would bring, not that he would run, he was never that afraid of Mizuki, even when he did get angry and they’d argue. “I… Mizuki!” He felt more than a little outraged, because stupid wasn’t something he was and Mizuki knew that as much as Sei did, offended he’d even say something mean like that. “I didn’t do anything!”

“Well it’s what you didn’t do.”

Could he be more cryptic? “Would you just tell me why you’re so mad?”

“I’m not mad, I’m confused,” confused he might say, but he sure seemed mad to Sei, hand running through his hair and making it stick up in uneven, messy clumps.

“About what? Mizuki, I don’t even know what I did!”

“You really don’t?” He just shook his head, because if Mizuki was angry for a legitimate reason it was okay, well, sort of anyway, but being treated so coldly for something he hadn’t registered doing, he really didn’t appreciate. “Fucking hell, you only flirted all night!”

He blinked, once, twice, because he couldn’t have heard him right. “Flirted? With who?” Why would he flirt with somebody anyway? He had Mizuki, why would he go out with him then flirt with somebody else, deliberately or not?

“That guy,” he spoke like it was obvious, and Sei didn’t appreciate the mocking tone with which he addressed him, like he was incredibly stupid for not realising it, it was more than a little patronising.

“What?” Now he was even more confused, laughing half-heartedly at how ridiculous Mizuki was being. “Mizuki, he had a wedding ring on.”

“Didn’t stop him trying to chat you up, did it? Or you letting him,” Sei’s hurt expression didn’t register through the cloud of anger covering him, because Sei might not have realised what the guy was doing, or Aoba for that matter, but he sure had and he didn’t appreciate that Sei didn’t even try to stop his obvious flirtations. “Are you that fucking naïve?”

“I am not naïve,” his voice was hard, because of all things to call him, that hurt, a low blow that settled heavy in his stomach and made him bubble with anger. Even if he was, it wasn’t his fault, he’d spent a lot of his life in hospitals or stuck in bed, so if he was naïve it wasn’t his fault and Mizuki knew that, would never normally say this.

“Oh my God,” he was laughing again, as if he was mocking him, expression almost taunting and face twisted in indignation, finger almost jabbing in his direction as he spoke, not even noticing the cigarette ash that fell to the carpet and smeared there. “Yes you fucking are. You didn’t even notice he was trying to get in your pants?”

“Mizuki! Even if he was, why would it matter? I wasn’t exactly going to do anything, I’m with you!” He thought he might understand a little why he was upset, if Sei saw somebody flirting with Mizuki he wouldn’t exactly be happy with it, especially if he did nothing to dissuade them, but then he’d trust his boyfriend to know he wouldn’t do anything. “Don’t you trust me?”

There was a pause and Mizuki’s face softened for a second, words dying on his lips as he took in his boyfriend’s protective stance and his forehead wrinkled with guilt he wouldn’t even have to feel if only he’d told that bastard to fuck off. He wouldn’t meet his eyes when he spoke, taking a drag of his cigarette and stubbing it out hard into the ashtray on the dining table where they’d happily eaten dinner just a while ago. “Apparently not.”

Somehow that burnt more than anything, more than the fact that Mizuki turned away from him, sliding out of his boots and dumping his coat on the couch before leaving him there alone, bedroom door clicking shut ominously, more than the fact he’d shouted and been unreasonable. He didn’t trust him, and that hurt so bad he felt like his heart had cracked right down the middle, sniffing and wiping away the tear that fell, pausing in front of the door to the room they shared before turning away. He didn’t want to see him right now, didn’t want to be shouted at again, accused of things he’d never do and wouldn’t want to even if he had the chance.

Instead he hung up his jacket and put his shoes neatly on the rack, and opened Aoba’s message on his coil, asking if everything was alright, saying Mizuki had seemed on edge.

He didn’t even know what to reply, just lying and saying everything was fine, because while he knew his brother would surely try to comfort him, he also didn’t want to cause more trouble by involving him.

 

* * *

 

 

But he knew he had to go in there eventually, sitting on the sofa for a little while, thinking things over and figuring that yeah, the guy had been flirting but he hadn’t noticed, and that wasn’t his fault. Surely if Mizuki was upset he would have stepped in, wrapped an arm around him and made it obvious that he was taken and that the stranger should fuck off.

But he hadn’t, hadn’t taken the logical course of action, no, instead he’d let it happen and then gone mad about it later when he could have easily stopped it happening, knowing Sei was too trusting and not helping him realise when he was being tricked.

But still, he had to stand up, to walk into their bedroom and try to make things better, to apologise if he had to and to hopefully get an apology back, to get forgiveness he didn’t think he needed because he’d done nothing wrong. Not that it ever mattered to Mizuki.

 

His hand looked so tiny and frail compared to his muscled shoulder, skin white and almost translucent against his rich tan, voice tentative as he spoke, because he could tell from the hard set of his back that he was awake. “Mizuki?”

“Go to bed, Sei,” but his voice was a snap and Sei flinched backwards, eyes creased in pain and drawing his hand back into his chest, arms held tight to himself as if trying to protect himself from the ice that was surrounding them on the bed.

But that was the last straw, he thought Mizuki would have calmed down by now, realised he was being irrational and maybe he’d be the one getting an apology for once instead of having to give yet another one for something so stupid. Flicking on the light because he hated going to sleep on an argument, and even though he knew this might make everything worse, he wanted to argue his side for once, to get Mizuki to see sense and stop being an asshole. Tonight was meant to be fun and Mizuki’s jealousy had ruined it again, just another thing spoiled by his overprotectiveness and Sei’s apparent stupidity.

“Don’t talk to me like that. I didn’t do anything!” His voice was cold but it shook like his fingers as Mizuki rolled over and he took in the anger on his face because if anything all he’d done was left him to stew and overthink it. Leaving space between them had made it worse and he’d been alone with his thoughts where he could blow them up to epic, ridiculous proportions, his decision to distance himself had only destroyed any trust Mizuki had left.

But then he sat up and Sei was scared now for what felt like the first time, because he’d always known his boyfriend was bigger than him, of course he did, but he seemed huge now, blown up with anger and indignant self-righteousness and his heart was in his throat. “You didn’t, but what if he did? Just imagine it, you start talking, he seems nice, friendly, he buys you a drink maybe-“

He tried to open his mouth, to say that he wouldn’t let a stranger buy him anything, let alone a drink in a busy bar while he was with his fucking boyfriend, but he wouldn’t let him speak, he almost never did when they argued these days, just ranting at him for hours on end.

“He slips something into it and you don’t notice, too busy thinking what a nice guy he is and not even realising til you’re fucking unconscious somewhere and he can do whatever the fuck he wants to you!”

“Mizuki, you’re being ridiculous!”

“I’m being ridiculous? Who’s the one who just stood there and let some stranger, somebody you didn’t even know flirt with you in front of your boyfriend?” His face was was sneering and his hands were balled into fists and for the first time Sei was genuinely afraid things would turn physical, suddenly feeling horribly vulnerable in a way Mizuki had never made him feel. “I know you’re gullible, but fucking hell, I didn’t know you were stupid too.”

He got up, like he was going to leave, already in sweatpants and grabbing a t-shirt, yanking it on hard and sticking his cigarettes into his pocket, but Sei wouldn’t let anybody speak to him like that, especially not somebody who was meant to love him. “What’s wrong with you? Why are you being so horrible?” He wasn’t even sure that was a strong enough word, he was being nasty, callous, cruel, stabbing into Sei’s already fragile self-esteem and tearing it apart.

“Because I had to watch my _boyfriend_ flirting with some stranger for like a fucking hour, I think I have every right to be angry.”

“I wasn’t flirting! I don’t even know how to!”

“Could have fooled me,” he was out the door now, Sei folding himself out of the bed and following him, because he wanted to work this out, he didn’t want Mizuki to leave him there alone feeling upset and guilty when he’d done nothing wrong. He wanted them both to apologise, him for being ignorant to his boyfriend’s feelings, and Mizuki for reacting too violently and being so unreasonable.

“Where are you going?” Because that was all he cared about right now, where was he storming off to at nearly 3am, how long would he be, would he even come back? He’d grabbed his sleeve the moment he opened the front door, sliding his feet into soft black pumps and taking his keys off the hook, he didn’t want him to go and leave him to feel so torn.

“Out,” his voice was so frosty it made Sei’s breath freeze in his lungs, so distant and detached, as if he was talking to somebody he hated instead of somebody he was supposed to love no matter what. “Let go of me.”

“No, Mizuki, it was a mistake, can’t we talk about this?” If he’d known how much trouble it would have caused he wouldn’t have even given the stranger his name, let alone started what he thought was a friendly chat with him, a way to spend the time waiting to be served.

“I said, let go.”

“Mizuki, just talk to m-“

“I said no!” it happened before he could register it, he’d loosened his grip as Mizuki had made to shove him off, and whether it was an accident or not he wasn’t sure but the bartenders arm had hit his chest hard and he’d fallen. Back smacking against the table edge hard and gasp of pain leaving his lips as the hard wood broke the soft skin, already sure he was bleeding under his jumper and knowing it would be black and purple with bruises by the morning.

He hesitated for a second, expression faltering as if realising what he’d done, unintentionally or otherwise, but he just made an angry noise, maybe at himself, maybe at Sei, and slammed the apartment door shut behind him, leaving Sei there, scared, lonely and in a lot of pain.

 

* * *

 

 

When he came back his arm was streaked with blood and his hand was swollen to almost double its normal size, knuckles torn open and bloodied and expression tired as he slumped into a seat at the dining table, pretending he didn’t notice Sei flinch as his head thumped onto the hard wood. He had to take a moment to decide what to do, swallowing thickly and knowing that the only way to end this horrible event was to try and act like he’d forgiven him already, standing from the sofa to find the first aid kit and returning to the living room.

He was nervous as he dragged a chair round to his side, popping open the kit silently and removing what he’d need, he’d had to patch him up a couple times before after turf wars, but normally it wasn’t this bad. Neither of them spoke for a moment as Sei just soaked cotton wool pads with sterile solution and began wiping the blood off his wrist and the back of his hand softly.

Then Mizuki’s head rose from the table and he sighed heavily, eyes focused on Sei’s movements and feeling guilty for not deserving the care he was treating him with. “I’m a horrible boyfriend.”

“No you’re not,” his words were stern, because sure, they had their problems but who didn’t? He was certainly beating himself up enough about it now, a sure sign he felt guilty for his anger, olive eyes still fixed on the cotton pad Sei swiped across his damaged hand.

“I pushed you over, Sei.”

“You didn’t mean to,” because that was the only way he could explain it to himself, all he’d wanted to do was make him let go so he could go get some real space and try to calm down, but he’d pushed too hard in his anger and Sei had fallen. It was a mistake, it had to be.

“Yeah,” but he sounded about as convinced as Sei was, sighing heavily. “Are you okay? I mean… You must have hurt your back pretty bad…”

He just shook his head, because no he wasn’t okay but Mizuki didn’t need to know that, besides, it was only a matter of time til he saw the mess the table had left on his white skin. “I’m fine. What about you? Did you punch something?”

“Mm, wall somewhere.”

“Why?” His voice was calm but his fingers shook with concern, because had Mizuki punched a wall to avoid letting out his anger on Sei instead? He didn’t even want to entertain that idea but something in his head did and it made him feel terrible inside that he’d even think something like that, almost wishing Mizuki had just hit him instead, then at least his hand wouldn’t be so fucked up. But no, he didn’t want his boyfriend to hit him either, if he was being truthful he didn’t want him to hit anything, didn’t want him to get so unbearably angry and scream and accuse and throw things. But he was back now, and he seemed sorry and he was sitting quietly and letting Sei apply antiseptic to his cleaned knuckles and wind white bandages around his hand gently, eyes downcast and worrying at his lip.

“Felt bad, for yelling,” his voice was emotionless, like he struggled to speak, to express how he felt and why he’d gotten so enraged with himself and with Sei and with everything that the only way he could think to make it better was to hurt something, himself, the wall, Sei’s feelings. “Again.”

“Mizuki, come on, I said it’s fine.”

“No it’s not!” His voice had raised only a little but Sei still felt his heartrate spike, feeling disappointed in himself for letting him even entertain the idea that he might be afraid of Mizuki. “Why did I have to yell at you like that? And call you stupid? I didn’t need to get that angry, you only talked to the guy and I fucking-“

He broke off abruptly, noticing Sei’s hand curled around his, pale and skinny against the mess of bandages on his skin, some blood already seeping through where the pebbledash had torn deep into his skin, laughing self depreciatingly. “And now I’m yelling again.”

“Mizuki,” he paused to sigh, because he didn’t know what to say, it hadn’t taken him long after they got together to realise that Mizuki had a tendency to hate himself. It made sense really, he’d been abandoned by his parents as a child, grown up with nobody who loved or cared for him. It made sense that he’d beat himself up over small things, think he was never good enough or that he could never be quite who he needed to be, was never a good enough team leader or a good boyfriend. “It was an accident, Mizuki. I didn’t realise he was flirting with me, I never would have carried on talking to him if I had, I only want you, surely you know that?”

“Of course I do babe, just… It was such a stupid thing to get angry over,” he stopped to bite his lip uncertainly, finally taking in Sei’s posture, back held way away from the chair back and rather too straight and tense. “Are you sure you’re okay? You fell really badly.”

He shook his head, shrugging off his concerns because he didn’t want Mizuki to see, as okay as he claimed it was, some part of him felt sick when he thought of the part the bartender had played in his injury, accidental though he knew it was. “It’s fine, I bandaged it and everything. It’ll heal.”

“It needed bandages?” His voice had taken on a mildly horrified tone and Sei felt almost guilty, again even as his tone turn insistent and he knew he couldn’t argue against it, just carefully pulling off his jumper as Mizuki spoke. “Let me see.”

The bandages were secured at the front so he waited while Sei unsecured them, slowly unwinding them and equally bandaged hands coming to carefully peel them off his torn skin, wincing aloud as he took in the bruising first.

“Holy fuck, Sei, I broke the skin,” because it was right there to see, a longish but thin cut running across his back diagonally where he’d hit the hard edge of the table, skin around it grazed and red raw, vivid blue and black bruises surrounding it.

His voice was a little hard because somehow hearing Mizuki take the blame made him feel sick, as if it had been deliberate when they both knew it couldn’t have been, twisting to see him and hissing as his fingers brushed the tender skin. “No, the table did.”

“Oh shit, babe, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to push you that hard I just… Oh God it must hurt so much, fuck it looks awful.”

“Look, you didn’t do it on purpose. You wanted to leave and get some space but I wouldn’t let you, you tried to get me off and I stumbled. You didn’t mean to do it, Mizu.” He was insistent now, because he didn’t need Mizuki to say he hadn’t meant to push him ‘that hard’, because that still implied he’d meant to push him and that wasn’t right, wasn’t them.

“No, of course I didn’t babe. You know I’d never hurt you, right? You know that.” “Of course I do, it’s okay, it’ll heal, and so will your hand.”

 

* * *

 

 

It had been another normal day, and then Sei had expressed displeasure at one tiny thing and all of a sudden the glass in Mizuki’s hand had flown across the kitchen and he was yelling, red in the face and having snapped so fast that Sei could hardly breathe.

“Who else is going to be able to look after you, Sei? Hm? Who else is going to pay for everything and put a roof over your head so you don’t have to work?”

He didn’t want to believe him, but he was right. He lived here rent free, Mizuki paid for everything, hospital bills, food, clothes, everything he could have wanted was bought for him. Mizuki looked after him when he was ill, made him soup and changed the cool cloth on his head when he had a fever, cleaned up his sick and made sure he was warm and comfortable.

He was right, and he knew it, nobody else would do that for him, Aoba was happy with Noiz, and beside them he didn’t even have any other friends, he and Mizuki had created a bubble for themselves and he had no intention of popping it.

“Who, Sei? Who else is going to be able to look after you?”

“I… I don’t know Mizuki.”

He sighed and it was like Sei was being unreasonable.

 

* * *

 

 

He’d known something was wrong for a while, he was in the bar more than anybody, when it was quiet and empty and there was no music to drown out the yelling and sounds of things smashing that came from above more often than not. He’d tried to intervene at first, sending messages asking if things were okay then when they were answered with what was obviously lies, he’d asked Mizuki face to face, noticing the flicker of some unknown emotion in the second before he laughed and said it had just been a stupid fight.

But stupid or not, something had to give and Tio had grown anxious of just listening to them scream at each other, or rather Mizuki yelling at Sei and him retorting with a lot less fire, as if he knew it was useless to bother.

 

They were bad usually, but today was even worse and he could hear the sharp edge of hysteria in Sei’s voice as it filtered down into the bar, spine tingling unpleasantly as he tried to ignore it and refill the fridges. It wasn’t even shouting any more, it was roaring, but he could only make out some of the words the bartender was flinging about, useless, stressed, bullshit.

Then everything rose to a crescendo and the noise suddenly grew loud as the apartment door opened and he could hear everything and he felt sick to his stomach because he felt like there was nothing he could do to help.

“Let go of me,” his voice was shaking and harder than Tio had ever heard it, wincing as the other no doubt was as the bartender didn’t even register his complaint, just yelling back at him.

“No! I’m trying to fucking talk to you, where do you think you’re going?”

“Away from you! Get the fuck off me, Mizuki!”

“Don’t do this to me again, babe, you’re pissing me off,” the pet name didn’t sound nice now, cold and somehow controlling, like blackmail, using something usually said with affection to try and bend Sei to his will. But then maybe he was reading too much into it.

“I’m not doing anything, I just-“ But then his coil rang and there was a loud thud and god Tio felt sick because it hadn’t sounded like something being thrown this time and he didn’t know what to do to make this all stop.

“Who the fuck is that?”

“I- I don’t know… Probably Aoba.”

“Aoba? Because it’s _him_ you talk to all the time, that’s the reason you don’t let me check your coil, _Aoba_ ,” he didn’t believe a word Sei was saying and it was obvious, his tone was sneering and even Tio bristled with indignation because how dare he talk to somebody, anybody, like that. “You talk so much shit, fucking stay there.”

Tio felt like he couldn’t breathe as heavy footsteps crossed the ceiling, each one making his heartrate jump and sound of drawers opening and slamming distracting him from the feet stealthily descending the staircase.

His plan had been to run when he reached the bar, to just leave into the street and hide somewhere, to try and clean himself up and then maybe find somewhere to spend the night, think up an accident or excuse and go see Aoba and Noiz. But then something, somebody, behind the bar showed up in his peripherals and he was terrified all over again because it had already been stupid to run when Mizuki had told him not to.

There was a split second where they just stared at each other, Sei freezing like a deer in the headlights, eye black and blood trickling down his chin where his lip was split open, no time to be horrified as he heard footsteps behind him and all the colour drained from his face.

But everything rushed back at once, Sei’s gaze desperate and ashamed all at once as he glanced towards the stairs with pure terror in his gaze, just flinching away from Tio’s hand on his arm and sucking in a harsh breath.

“Come on,” whether he knew his plan or not he wasn’t certain, but he followed Tio and just stared as he locked the door of the tattoo room seconds before the bartender got to the bottom of the stairs, Sei just retreating into the far corner and wrapping his arms around himself.

“Sei, this is childish, just come and talk to me!” But his soft approach didn’t last long and Tio cringed nowhere nearly as badly as Sei, whose breath came in faltering gulps, as a door, presumably to the bathroom, slammed shut. “SEI!”

He was getting nearer, there were only a few places he could be anyway and he hadn’t heard the main door slam so he couldn’t have left the bar, Tio feeling his heart rise into his throat as he got nearer, kicking the doors as he went and continuing to yell his name.

Then he reached them, and this time the door didn’t fly open under his assault, there was a second of silence and Tio didn’t know what to do, comfort Sei, tell Mizuki to leave him the fuck alone, or just stay there and be quiet until he left. “Sei, babe, I know you’re in there. I’m sorry I yelled, okay? Just come out and we can talk.”

Manipulative, that was how Tio would describe his voice, pretending to be regretful only because he wanted somebody to yell his frustrations at, turning back to see Sei shaking from head to toe, just shaking his head as if pleading Tio not to let him in, not to tell him they were there. His hand was clenched over his mouth and he was crying, trying to muffle the sound into his hand and pressing further away from the door as Mizuki suddenly screamed his name, kicking at the wood so harshly Tio almost feared he’d break it down.

“Sei! SEI! Don’t ignore me! SEI!” He was punching the door now, Tio could hear the slap of skin against it and he stepped backwards from the quaking wood because he’d never heard Mizuki this angry before and he was terrified. He wasn’t stupid, he’d known for a while what was going on but he had proof now and it was too horrible to deal with. “Sei I swear to fucking God OPEN THE DOOR! SEI!”

He’d sunk down onto the floor now, legs quaking hard and curling into himself, putting his hands over his ears to block it out and just whimpering as he lashed out once more and his foot smashed into the door so hard Tio heard the wood splinter and crack. Then everything went quiet and the apartment door slammed and Tio could finally breathe and turn round and try to work things out, pausing to think about what to do and grabbing the first aid kit.

“Sei, you okay?”

“I’m fine, I’m sorry about this, we’ve been arguing all day and he just snapped, I should have stayed and talked to him.” His smile was radiant but it didn’t match his face, the patchy bruising over his eye and the fresh drop of blood that spilled from his lip as they stretched too wide, his eyes were dry now but there were deep bags under them and they flitted over his face nervously. “He just needs to calm down.”

“You’re bleeding,” he didn’t even respond to his lies, because Mizuki didn’t need to just relax and everything would be fine, he knew what was going on, but he still had to pause to take a long, steadying breath and to soften his voice before he spoke. “Did he hit you?”

“No! I tripped, I’d had some wine and I fell into the dining table. That’s what we were arguing about, he doesn’t like it when I drink.”

“Hm, well that’s… Whatever. But listen, Sei, that isn’t normal. He shouldn’t yell at you like that, do you want to stay at mine tonight? Just until things are better?”

“No! I have to go back, it’ll be worse if I don’t, he got angrier when I came down here. He doesn’t like it when I ignore him.” Now there was the panic in his voice that there should be, his eyes had widened and he was talking too fast, worry making the words trip over each other and jumble into a frantic mess.

“Sei, please tell me the truth. How long has this been happening?”

But the warmth of his lies had faded and something in his face was hard even as he grudgingly let Tio dab the blood off his chin, regarding him cautiously, as if afraid he would suddenly flip and hurt him, nervousness just cementing Tio’s concerns. “Nothing’s happening, I told you it was just an argument.”

“Okay, fine. But you know you can talk to me whenever, yeah? And if you ever want to get away for a little bit, you’re welcome at mine whenever.”

“Thanks, but I’m honestly fine,” Tio retreated then because his voice was so cold it was frightening, so offended that he was trying to interfere even if his only intention was to help, just letting him leave and horrified that things had turned out like this, that his best friend had turned into a monster.

 

* * *

 

 

2.07 Where are you?

2.09 _With Aoba_

2.11 Prove it

2.12 _…How?_

2.12 Take a picture

 

That was how it started, and the first time it was easy enough to just pretend he wanted a selfie with his brother and get one, his twin holding up a peace sign and sticking his tongue out, Sei trying to smile but feeling sick because things were getting slowly weirder and he felt like he was going crazy.

But it got harder, it was strange to the couple of people around him that he always wanted to take photos with them, sure they didn’t mind the first couple but he soon had to resort to taking pictures of whoever he was with without them knowing. It felt strange doing it and knowing his whereabouts would be questioned made him feel like he didn’t want to go out, slowly spending more time at home and coming up with more excuses not to leave the house.

But then one day he did go, agreeing to go clothes shopping with Aoba and Noiz, and everything was fine, he’d gotten his coil out of his pocket automatically, planning on snapping a picture of the others and sending it. But the battery was dead and his heart froze for a terrifying second and he could almost feel the colour leave his cheeks because there was no chance Mizuki would just let this slide, almost considering asking to use Aoba or Noiz’s coil but knowing he still wouldn’t like that.

He was quiet all day and opted out of going for food afterwards, ignoring Noiz’s offer to make it his treat and Aoba’s comments that he looked pale, just saying Mizuki had planned something for them that evening and he didn’t want to ruin his appetite. Hugging his sibling and almost not wanting to let him go, wanting to tell him everything, how he felt like he was going crazy because sometimes he swore he’d done things then Mizuki would prove he hadn’t. Watching Noiz’s eyes narrowing as he headed home a little too fast, feeling sick and keeping his head bent down because the bartender didn’t like other people looking at him.

 

Then he was back and he was nearly sick with relief, because the bartender wasn’t in and if he was lucky he’d be able to get away with it, to lie and say he’d been in all day and to keep things as nice as they had been lately. Because he knew that as long as he knew what Mizuki wanted things were pleasant and normal and he felt almost happy, trying to pretend that every time a door slammed he didn’t jump or that he didn’t doubt things more every day.

 

He didn’t get back til late and he wanted to ask where he’d been but he couldn’t, smelling the alcohol on his breath as he walked into the bathroom without knocking, just regarding him as he continued to brush his teeth. He knew better than to speak, if he seemed too happy to see him he’d get suspicious so he just offered a wave with his free hand and carried on, trying to pretend he couldn’t see that olive green gaze staring holes through him in the mirror. He spoke in the second he spat out the paste and rinsed his mouth, arms crossed over his chest and voice firm with fake calm as if they weren’t going to end up arguing like they always did.

“Where were you today?”

“Nowhere, I stayed in.”

“Bullshit,” and he was behind him so fast he couldn’t even hope to escape, stood so close the hairs on the back of his neck rose and his breath hitched and faltered. “I came home and you weren’t here. So where, were you?”

He spoke slowly, threateningly, making it obvious what would happen if he lied and God Sei didn’t want to deal with that today, trying to remember everything he knew about conflict resolution. “I went shopping with Noiz and Aoba.”

“Okay, so why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was going to, my coil ran out of battery.”

He exhaled a breath out his mouth, and Sei couldn’t look away from his face in the mirror, so hard and distrusting, nothing like who he’d been before all this began and things had started to go insane both inside and outside his head. “So because you were too stupid to charge your coil, I had to worry about you all day.”

“Y-Yeah, listen Mizu I’m really sorry I didn-“

He could never anticipate when the cycle would reach its peak, so when it did he never expected it, didn’t get any warning for the hand that was suddenly in his hair and pinning his face to the mirror, just whimpering as his breath fogged up the glass. “Sorry isn’t good enough, Sei. You know I need to know where you are.”

He released his head hard, smacking against the cold, hard glass and touch almost instantly comforting and making him feel so conflicted he didn’t know whether to move his face into the palm that cupped it or whether to jerk away. “Come on, you know what I want to hear.”

He did, it had been drummed into him now and he said his line easily but damn he always meant it now, “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again. I love you.”

“And I love you too, come on, let’s go to bed.”

 

When it happened like this, when the cycle ended and restarted so fast he felt like he was on a rollercoaster he couldn’t stop, just being dragged along for the ride, being slapped about or belittled one second then treated like normal mere moments later. Being made to apologise when it was Mizuki being unreasonable, but his brain was fuzzy on that even now because maybe the bartender was right and he was an awful boyfriend, he just didn’t know.

But somehow having him curled up behind him and a strong arm resting round his middle as they lay in bed just made him want to cry, but he couldn’t even do that because if Mizuki woke up and he was in tears he’d just get angry all over again. He didn’t know what to do, and that was the worst thing of all, because he loved Mizuki with all his heart but being there was making him go insane and he didn’t know what would snap first, his resolve or his mind.

He knew what he wanted when the hand slid under his shirt and he began to mutter apologies and explanations into his neck, saying he was sorry, he just worried so much, he needed to know he was safe, he just loved him so much. So when he started nuzzling into the skin and planting wet, almost biting kisses there Sei didn’t know whether he felt sick or reassured, because Mizuki still wanted him, but things were back to normal so fast he felt dizzy.

He knew what Mizuki wanted, to have sex with him, make love to him, fuck him, whatever. But he wanted to get back to normal, to pretend today had been something other couples did, they’d been apart all day and now they were together and had missed each other, just wanted to be close. So he let him.

 

It was still good, it seemed to be the one thing between them that had yet to be affected by this thing that was slowly marring everything else, but when Sei left to the bathroom afterwards to clean up, kiss on his hand being the last contact between them, he had to admit that things still weren’t right. The mirror still had an odd patch on it where his cheek had been pushed into it and as he washed his hands he could see a bruise beginning to blossom up the reddish side of his face where Mizuki’s hands had turned hard and accusatory so fast. But he just turned his eyes away and dried his hands on the towel, because he was waiting for him in bed to pull him into his side and whisper into his hair that he loved him, not noticing the strange, uncertain tone of Sei’s voice as he answered mechanically that he loved him too.

 

* * *

 

 

“Oh yeah, we all went round Mizuki and Sei’s last night and Sei made this gorgeous pasta thing with chicken and vegetables, it was _so_ good.” “Hm, the chicken was a bit burned, but the sauce saved it,” Aoba was looking away by then, opening his beer and not seeing the tiniest crinkle of Sei’s eyes as the neatly hidden insult hit, Noiz frowning and voicing his disagreement instantly.

“My chicken was perfect,” Mizuki’s eyes flickered up to meet his and something hard lingered there for a second, Aoba looking back up and weighing in calmly, not realising how tense things were, Sei’s eyes flitting between Mizuki and Noiz as if begging them not to fight.

“Yeah mine was fine too.” “Must have just been mine then,” he smiled and Sei tried to as well, Noiz on high alert suddenly because it wasn’t like Mizuki to make snarky remarks and even less like Sei to take them, knowing things had been tense between them for a while but not really knowing how.

 

* * *

 

 

“Wait, I thought Africa was a country?”

Noiz was about to respond, to laugh and say that no it was a continent made of lots of different countries, to reassure him that it was a simple mistake to make, but Mizuki got there first and Aoba looked equally confused so he was hardly able to correct him.

“Oh wow, you’re so stupid, Sei, thank god you have me to look after you, hm?”

“Yeah,” and again it was only Noiz who saw the tension in his façade, the hurt behind his soft smile and the sudden inhale of air when Mizuki’s arm slid round his shoulders to pull him into his side for cuddles Sei was obviously not enjoying.

 

* * *

 

 

“Sei, I thought I asked you to fold this laundry like an hour ago?”

For once his tone was calm, it was a stable period again where things were normal and nice and Sei loved everything about being with Mizuki, but sometimes, like now, he felt like walking on eggshells, just waiting for the smallest thing to annoy him and everything to go downhill again. “I know, I did it.”

“Well obviously you didn’t,” he gestured to the pile of clothes and Sei felt one of those horrible creeping feelings again, because he _had_ done it, he remembered doing it, he’d folded it all and left it in a neat pile on the bed to put away when the second load was done. He _had_ , but now it was there, in a messy pile across the bedding and the bartender was raising a slightly amused eyebrow at him.

“I… I swear I did it…”

“It’s fine babe, you’re just a bit confused. Just do it now.”

“Yeah… Okay, yeah,” he just stood there feeling coldness in the very tips of his fingertips even as Mizuki kissed his head and left the room, humming cheerily as he did, as if Sei wasn’t having some kind of mental break in their bedroom because he’d already folded it.

 

At first he thought maybe it was just a slip up, he’d just gotten confused like Mizuki said, but then it happened more and more, the groceries he’d gone to the shop to buy were suddenly not there and the fridge was as bare as it had been that morning. But he was sure he remembered going to the store to get them, picking them out then bringing them back and putting them away, but he must be wrong, Mizuki was right, he was just tired.

Then the days and weeks began to get muddled in his head, he’d been sure they’d gone out on Tuesday but Mizuki was insistent it had been Saturday, and no amount of confused babbling could make him agree, because it had been Saturday, but Sei swore it hadn’t.

He felt constantly confused and disoriented, like he didn’t know what was going on, not sure if Mizuki was doing this intentionally to be cruel or if his sanity was just slipping, just nodding absently when the bartender told him he should probably shower even as his damp hair showed he already had.

Movie nights were filled with films they’d apparently already seen but he had no memory of, Mizuki told him his favourite pair of jeans didn’t fit him and he believed him so fast he didn’t even bother trying them on to prove it.

But the worst was probably to do with food, because more than once Sei had walked into the kitchen to make lunch only to find dirty dishes in the sink that hadn’t been there that morning, bread crumbs on the chopping board and the supply of salad diminished. He’d asked Mizuki about it and he’d said they’d eaten lunch together not an hour before, he just blinked, because he could remember now, laughing a little unevenly and saying that he’d just forgotten.

 

* * *

 

 

“Another slice? Damn, after how much you ate at lunch I thought you’d be full.”

“Oh um, what did we have again?”

“I made us stir fry, remember?”

“Yeah,” he agreed with a smile even though he didn’t remember anything and the rumbling of his stomach matched his memory of not eating since breakfast, but there had been two dirty plates and sets of cutlery in the sink, so maybe he was forgetting again. “I was just being greedy.”

“Well I wouldn’t want you getting fat,” he said it like a joke and Sei laughed along half-heartedly, remembering the jeans he didn’t fit into any more and realising he was right, just ignoring the pain in his stomach, thinking it must just be a bug or some unexplained cramps, tucking into Mizuki’s side to watch the movie. Ignoring the delicious smell of the pizza, after all he didn’t want to get fat.

 

* * *

 

 

“M-Mizuki- wha- what are you doing? Get off…”

How exactly this had happened, even Mizuki wasn’t entirely sure, but he did know that his boyfriend had been lying to him all day, for weeks in fact, and he’d had enough. That much was apparent, but the exact series of events that had led to them being in the position they were now was blurry.

Sei was pressed flush against the wall of the hallway, head to the side and arms held above his head by Mizuki, who stood right behind him, chest pinning him in place. The position alone was volatile, let alone the fact that it had been building all day and Mizuki felt ready to burst as he felt the erratic pulse of his boyfriend and heard the nervous tone of his voice.

“Where did you go today, Sei?” Mizuki asked calmly, fighting the urge to just yell at him or demand he tell him, deciding to stay calm and get the answer he knew was coming.

“I, just to Aoba and Noiz’s,” Sei explained, _lied_ , though weakly, eyes flitting around like a frightened animal.

“I don’t think that’s true.” The bartender hissed, biting his lower lip as he noticed the hairs rising on the base of Sei’s neck and the Goosebumps rising on the sensitive skin there, he was lying, he knew he was, it was so fucking obvious. “Where did you go? That bar again?”

“I-Just for a couple of drinks. Aoba and Noiz were with me the whole time,” Sei sounded downright scared now and his cheeks had gone pale under Mizuki’s accusatory breaths and tense words.

“Just a few drinks? Did you ask if you could go?” Mizuki continued to accuse, surprised as Sei made an attempt to break away, wriggling against the wall, nearly getting one hand free, at least until Mizuki pressed further forwards, flush against his boyfriend now. “Don’t try to get away, you can’t lie to me then expect me to ignore it.”

“Ah!” Sei froze the second he felt the tattooist pressing against him, dark eyes growing wide in surprise. “Mizuki, you’re…”

“I’m what, Sei?”

There was silence, Sei didn’t want to answer, to have to say it, it was embarrassing, but he eventually relented, voice quiet with shame. “You’re hard.”

“Hmm? And whose fault is that for getting me so worked up?” One tanned hand relinquished its grip on slim wrists and trailed down Sei’s side, caressing ribs under a thin t-shirt until it reached his belt loops, one finger sliding through and his thumb slipping under the waistband to stroke warm skin.

The shiver from the pale boy beneath him made Mizuki smirk, at least until he spoke.

“I didn’t, Mizuki. I didn’t do anything.”

Mizuki’s hand froze on Sei’s hip, olive eyes meeting black, Sei craning his head to see him.

“I know.”

“Then why are you doing this?” Sei’s voice was small and scared, and Mizuki almost felt guilty, but then anger flared in his veins and he shoved Sei against the wall, hard.

“Because you’ve been keeping secrets from me, Sei.” He remembered how angry he got when he imagined Sei cheating, when he thought of Sei letting someone else touch him, kiss him, sleep with him. “You lied to me about where you were, I never said you could go out.”

He thought he could feel Sei shaking, but that could have just been him, he was trembling with anger, he knew this was unfair, knew Sei hadn’t done anything, but the images were filling his mind and they made him sick.

“Did you talk to anybody?” Sei didn’t answer, but his face was lowered and he wouldn’t look at Mizuki. “Did you talk to anybody?!”

“A couple times...” Sei was almost whispering, feeling scared and confused. “But just at the bar, just small talk, I swear!”

Mizuki knew what Sei was talking about, his version of small talk was never just that, he meant he’d been flirting, letting people speak to him like he wasn’t taken, like he didn’t have everything he needed already, like some little whore.

“You are mine, Sei. Mine! Nobody else is allowed to talk to you.” He growled against Sei’s neck, skin hot and oh so tempting beneath his lips as he latched his mouth onto it and began sucking a hickey, biting harder than he usually would and not soothing it with licks and kisses like normal.

There was a whimper from the black haired boy that sounded almost desperate, though whether for escape or more, Mizuki didn’t know. He was being too possessive, he knew that, but Sei was his, and he was determined to let everyone else know that, to leave marks that showed he was taken and to stay away, to mark Sei as his own.

 

He just closed his eyes and pretended he couldn’t feel any of it, not the hands up his shirt or the ones that picked him up like a doll a minute later, like he couldn’t feel the hands pushing his head down as he just succumbed and did what he knew he wanted. He knew he should fight back as hands got harder in his hair, as it hurt, as he almost choked, but he knew if he did that he’d make Mizuki angry again and wasn’t a good boyfriend supposed to do things like this anyway?

So he let Mizuki take his clothes off and lie him down and kiss at his neck and fuck him a little too hard and tried not to think about how wrong this was, how he didn’t want it, how forced it felt. He pretended the Mizuki of a few months ago would never have continued after he said it hurt, pretended that he wouldn’t have stopped and kissed him in apology and fingered him longer, knew he would never have told him he’d get used to it and carry on even as he whimpered because _it hurt_.

But he was pretending a lot of things this time and he was pretending when he whispered I love you back, and when he headed to the shower and didn’t cry he was pretending too, hot water stinging his skin and still feeling cold even under its blast.

 

* * *

 

 

It was all getting too hectic too fast and the nice, quiet times seemed to be lasting even less time than ever, only a day before another argument broke out or he did something wrong or looked at Mizuki funny and he had to be punished. He didn’t know what had happened, when he’d become such a terrible boyfriend, when he’d started imagining things that hadn’t happened, swearing he’d done tasks later proved as not done, he knew he was going insane and Mizuki was keeping him stable.

He told him so at night, when they curled up in bed and his hands were soft on his body instead of gripping too hard or twisting into his hair, he told him he loved him, he said he was sorry but that he’d had no choice, that if Sei was good he wouldn’t have done it. So he believed him, and rolled over to see him and apologised and kissed him and let him do whatever he wanted even if it did hurt, because he must deserve to hurt, he was a burden, he was going mad and he couldn’t even be what Mizuki needed.

 

* * *

 

 

But things had to break and the first thing that did was his sanity, it seemed to go overnight, in once day so many things happened that he had to admit he was insane, he had completely lost his grip on reality. Lights turned off that he knew he’d left on, his previously full shower gel was now empty, the fridge had pizza in it one minute then was completely bare the next.

Then Mizuki got back from his shift at the bar drunk and he must have been looking at the guys on TV a little weird because suddenly his lip was bleeding then Mizuki was cradling his cheek and telling him to be careful, he’d fallen. He believed him, nodding absently and letting him take him to bed, to lick the blood away.

 

* * *

 

Aoba kept calling, and Noiz too, even Koujaku tried a couple of times but he knew Mizuki got mad when he talked to other people so he ignored it, sudden barrage of messages from Noiz sliding onto the screen before he could avoid reading it.

‘Sei, I don’t know what’s going on but we need to see you.’

‘Please, we’re worried.’

‘I think he’s been hitting you.’

‘We saw Tio, he said things were bad.’

‘Please, you don’t deserve that. We love you, just call please.’

He’d never heard Noiz beg before, but he didn’t really register that, just reading that he didn’t deserve it and frowning because he was wrong, showing Mizuki the coil later and him smiling too thin, telling him he could see them the next day.

These new bruises were hidden by his shirt, speckled across his ribs where he’d kicked, accusing him of telling them lies about him, about what was going on, and Sei was so confused he didn’t even know if he had.

 

Then he saw them and Aoba wouldn’t stop crying and Noiz hugged him too hard and he winced right into his ear and he knew he’d heard when he moved back, fingers circling his wrist and frowning, trying to make a joke about fattening him up even as Aoba kept staring at him like he was a ghost.

He didn’t have a good time, he was worried about Mizuki, making excuses to leave early, because his boyfriend needed him and he really shouldn’t have been gone so long, Noiz grabbing him and making him flinch so hard he hit his back on the armrest and cried out too loud, ended up having to show them. Aoba had cried again and he hadn’t understood why because it wasn’t that bad, Noiz looking angry and his brother sobbing into his hand as he stared between them in confusion, because this was normal to him, surely it was to everyone?

“I have to go back guys, he’ll be missing me.” “Sei, please don’t, stay with us, please don’t go back,” Aoba had reached for him then stopped, fingers lingering in mid-air, not wanting to grab in case he freaked out again, not even able to touch his own brother, feeling illogically scared of him. “I have to, I love him.”

“He doesn’t love you!”

He just smiled serenely, shaking his head because why would they both think that? “Of course he does, he tells me all the time.”

“Sei, he can’t, you don’t hurt people you love, or put them down or make them feel small. He’s supposed to take care of you, and be gentle and never, ever to hit you. You don’t deserve that, you deserve so much better.”

“Mm, I’m fine, Noiz. I have to go.” And they let him.

 

* * *

 

 

But things reached boiling point and he was terrified, he’d been numb to it for a while but today things had escalated and there was genuine terror in his veins, blood already on his face and battered worse than before, hurting all over, remembering Noiz’s words, how they’d stuck in his head and made him so confused and lost he’d only clung to Mizuki harder.

“You’re supposed to _love_ me! You- You’re not meant to call me names and get angry and hit me!” He didn’t normally retaliate, but something inside him had shattered and he didn’t care anymore, he’d had a moment of clarity and maybe Noiz was right, echoing what he had said and not sure if he believed it, not sure if he wanted to.

“Sei, babe, look, I’m sorry, okay? I just… I get so angry and I just see red and I snap. I don’t want to hurt you!”

“Then why do you keep doing it?” His voice was growing shrill but he didn’t care because it had been too long now and he’d reached breaking point, because he didn’t want to do this anymore, to take the abuse just for the times where everything was great because even they seemed to be decreasing. “Why do you call me stupid and put me down? Why, Mizuki?”

“Babe, I… I don’t know.” He was clutching at straws now, desperate because none of his usual apologies were working, none of the gifts and extra special treatment and he was gripped with blind panic that he’d lose Sei. “Look, I’ll get anger management classes… I… I’ll see somebody, I’ll get better!”

“But you always say that! It’s always the last time! You’re always ‘sorry’ and ‘it was an accident’ and ‘it won’t happen again’ but it always does and I can’t take it anymore!” He’d never heard himself like this, he knew that, his voice was almost unintelligible, breaking and cracking and alternating between shouting and sobbing and he couldn’t see past the tears in his eyes. “I’m _leaving_.”

“Sei,” he’d darted forwards, trying to grab his arm to stop him and his breath froze in his chest but he was sick of living in fear now, of having a million messages a day asking where he was, who he was with, what he was doing. Had grown weary of this cycle of things being fine, then everything turning horrible and nasty and having to hide bruises, had even gotten sick of the apologies and the perfect times afterwards where he thought maybe it wouldn’t happen again only for the cycle to restart all over.

But Sei was faster, tripping on his way out and almost tumbling the whole way down the stairs, rushing into the street and sure people had seen him, blinded by the sunlight because he’d been inside for so long, just focused on getting away. Mizuki had suddenly transformed into a monster and even though he’d only been holding the knife to cut vegetables his mind conjured images of him chasing him down, blade in hand, of punishing him because he definitely deserved it now.

 

* * *

 

 

All he could think of was Noiz’s words even as he got more lost in side streets and back alleys, ending in dead ends and chest tearing with pain, aching everywhere and just wanting to hear him say it again, that he didn’t deserve it. He dropped his coil twice, hands shaking so badly and eyes so wet he could barely identify his number in the short list of contacts, but then it connected and he’d really done it now.

“A-Aoba,” his breathing hitched with tears and he had to stop walking, bag on his shoulder digging into the hard finger-marks there, legs shaking with fear and stomach threatening to empty onto the pavement, sliding down onto the cold floor.

“Sei! It’s about time, I’ve been trying to ring you for like three- Sei? Are you crying? Oh my god, what happened?”

“I…” He thought about lying, of just turning round and going back, but his body was sore and his mind was exhausted and he couldn’t do it anymore he didn’t want to have to go through this for the man he loved, it wasn’t normal, it couldn’t be and he didn’t deserve it. “I can’t do it anymore Aoba! I… I can’t bear it it’s…. I don’t….”

He could hear Aoba talking to him, but he was crying too hard to hear him, breath coming fast and erratic and sobs tearing from his lungs and making him feel sick and lightheaded, “I _hate_ him.”

He barely heard the reply, the second of stillness as Aoba tried to work out what was going on, because he hadn’t heard anything from Sei in weeks and now he’d rung him hysterical and he couldn’t even understand half of what he was saying. “Where are you?”

“I… I don’t…” He raised his head, trying to see something through the damp obscuring his vision and the lights bursting behind his lids as he felt himself begin to panic because he didn’t know where he was and he was tired and scared, hearing something about Noiz and the sound of a door slamming in the distance. But he didn’t care what happened to him now, he just wanted to be away from him, from the hands that confused him so much because sometimes they were soft and warm and comforting but then they could change to fists and open palms so fast, pushing him down and leaving hard marks that stayed for weeks after they were kind again.

He was just so tired.

 

“Sei!” He didn’t know how long he’d been sat there when Noiz found him, sat huddled against the wall, trying to be invisible, not wanting anybody to find him there, especially not Mizuki, jolting and scrambling away from the hand on his shoulder. “Hey, hey, calm down, it’s me, it’s Noiz.”

He didn’t believe him for a second, but there was a familiar bandaged hand being offered to him, piercings glinting in the skin and he looked up through wet eyelashes, registering the gasp of shock from the other and looking away even as he let him heave him upright.

But the second he was upright and Noiz was there so familiar and soft and worried he just broke again, legs wobbling and falling into his shoulder, sobbing into the material of his shirt and gripping on so tight he could feel it straining under his finger. “Okay, okay, shhh, you’re safe now. Can you walk?” He couldn’t even reply, his vision was getting blurry with black spots and he felt sick to his stomach as he was lifted off the ground instead, it was like he blacked out, hearing snippets of conversation but not knowing what was going on, feeling his mouth get wet and something run down his chin.

 

“Yo, Noiz!”

“Not now, Koujaku.”

“What’s with- Is that Sei? What happened?”

“It doesn’t matter, just go away, okay?”

“Noiz, he’s bleeding…” He didn’t even know where he was looking, his head was screaming at him, not sure if he was in danger or not, gasping for air and fingers knotted into shirt material hard, voice concerned and washing over him like ice.

“Yeah I know, look, it’s really not a good time. But… Okay fine come with us. I need to get him home, okay? Don’t let anybody come near.”

“I- What happened? Did somebody hit him?” The voice got closer and his throat made some horrible wet noise, pain thudding through his head and completely blind now, white flashing behind his closed lids and the rocking movement of walking the opposite of soothing.

“Not helping! Ring Aoba for me, tell him I found him and we’re heading home.”

“Yeah, of course.”

 

* * *

 

 

He’d passed out then apparently, he couldn’t remember it, waking up in a vaguely familiar bed with his twin dabbing at his face with a damp cloth, limbs too heavy to lift and not even realising that he should hide his face, his bruise. He didn’t speak and he was glad because even the tiny noise of him rinsing water out of the cloth seemed to tear through him, closing his eyes and feeling the soothing material brush over them gently, dabbing into the corners and across the sore skin.

“He awake?” Noiz now, voice making him jump even though he whispered, eyes flickering open and jerking in the sheets, hand on his face immediately, reassuring him, rubbing a thumb across the cheek without the graze and shushing him softly.

“Relax, you’re safe now, okay? How’d you feel?”

“Really sick,” he opened his eyes again and the light coming through the blinds hit him like a train, stomach rebelling and cheeks swelling out as it convulsed, not even hearing the frantic order for Noiz to get a bowl. It was just there and his eyes were streaming with tears as he dry heaved over and over, not much coming up but water and acidic bile, coughing and choking where his neck was sore, bruises speckled down his back aching as he stretched forwards.

“Okay, okay, you’re alright,” Noiz again, rubbing at his shoulders and holding him still, not realising he was swaying at all, head lolling on his neck and light headed again as the nausea passed and he was lowered back down to the covers. “Try and go to sleep, we’ll be right here.”

He didn’t need telling twice, eyes closing and exhausted, stressed, tired body and mind succumbing to the empty bliss of slumber, bedroom spinning away and not able to hear as Aoba started crying.

 

* * *

 

 

He felt like a baby bird, the first day, nobody mentioned what had happened but when Aoba helped him shower the next day he could see his eyes staring at the bruises on his body, commenting about how thin he’d gotten and Sei not commenting that actually he’d gotten fat, that Mizuki had told him so. They spoon fed him, almost literally, Aoba sitting there with his meals and watching him eat them, encouraging him to eat more, to make sure he was full, sleeping with him that night and never leaving his side.

 

He had a nightmare, that same night, he was back home and had just woken, had rolled over and Mizuki had been there watching him, had smiled that thin smile that scared him and caressed a bruise on his cheek and told him he was sorry. Then he’d done what he always did and kissed his neck and slid on top of him but he wasn’t paralysed with fear for once, waking in reality, in pitch blackness with a body next to him and freaking out.

He didn’t scream, but his body scrambled to get away, to run, run, run and to be anywhere but here, legs tangling in the sheets and throat constricting as the form moved and his name was murmured. It was the hand on his arm that let his voice escape where it had been hidden in his throat, wet with tears already.

“No, get off me, I don’t want to, please, _let go,_ ” he fell, off the bed presumably, and then the light turned on and he’d crawled into the corner of the room and buried his hands into his hair and he could hear voices he recognised but he wouldn’t come out.

 

It took coaxing, a lot of coaxing before he could be reassured, before he’d unfold and let Noiz scoop him up and take him back to bed, Aoba curled into him on one side and the German on the other, humming softly as his brother played with his hair, amber eyes filled with pain.

“Sei, what did you dream about?”

“Mizuki, I always dream about him,” they looked worried about that and he didn’t like that, quickly smiling and correcting himself, just reassuring them that it wasn’t a big deal, that things were fine, that he was fine. “It was just about a stupid fight we had a couple of weeks ago, that’s all. I’m sorry I freaked out.”

“You were saying you didn’t want to, didn’t what to what?”

“Argue again, you know, I don’t like arguments,” he was smiling serenely and even Noiz felt sick watching him pretend nothing was wrong, even now, having been found covered in bruises everywhere, his face, around his neck, down his ribs and on his legs, even now he made excuses for them.

“Mm, come on, it’s late, you should get some sleep, want me to stay with you?”

“No, I’m fine, Aoba,” he was still smiling, it had been too long and his cheeks had to be hurting with the strain of it by now, just accepting the kiss on the cheek his brother gave him as he and his boyfriend left the room. He missed the hushed conversation between them and his brothers crying, didn’t realise they’d worked out the truth of his dream, just closed his eyes and rolled over and reminded himself everything was fine.

 

* * *

 

 

“Sei, what are you doing?”

“Hm? Oh, Noiz, I didn’t realise you’d gotten back. I’m just packing up my stuff.”

“Why?” His tone was cold, stern but Sei’s sunny smile didn’t fade, packing his case with neat movements, as if his arms weren’t still too thin, as if there weren’t finger shaped bruises around them.

“Mm, I think I’m going to go home, things will have settled down now, we’ve both had time to think.”

“You’re going back?”

“Of course I am,” too wide, his smile was too wide, he was showing too much teeth, flashing him a grin as if he’d made a joke, heading to the wardrobe and removing the couple of shirts they’d taken him to get from Mizuki’s while he’d been working one night. He folded them up and put them in the case, jerking back suddenly as Noiz was right next to him, sucking in a startled breath he didn’t have time to hide.

“Why?”

“I- It’s my home, Mizuki, and he’s my boyfriend, I can’t live here forever. Besides, it was a stupid argument, it’ll be fine.”

“Hm, so, you and Mizuki, you’ve been arguing a lot?”

“I guess,” his words were measured now, tone cautious, knowing Noiz was prying, not sure if he didn’t want him to know because of shame or guilt or something else, aware he must already know but not wanting the truth to be spoken because that would make it real. “Just a rough patch, he works too much, he gets stressed.”

“Angry?”

“Sometimes, but I get angry too.”

“Do you give him black eyes as well?”

“Noi-“

“And leave finger marks around his neck? Or bruises on his ribs? Or call him stupid and useless and fat?” For a moment it looked like he might cry, like he might break down and admit that maybe things weren’t okay, that he was scared and confused and that he felt like he was going insane. But then he shook his head and laughed a shaky laugh and zipped his case up as if a way to end the conversation.

“Don’t be silly, why would I do that? I love him.” Noiz could only nod, because he didn’t know if Sei even understood the meaning of loving somebody anymore, considering that maybe it had been beaten out of him a long time ago.

 

* * *

 

 

“What do you mean, you’re going back?” His voice was already shrill and Sei’s unflappable tone only freaked him out more, watching him slice vegetables for dinner neatly and pour them into a large casserole dish already containing lumps of beef.

“Tomorrow morning I think, I’ve been gone too long already, it was childish to storm out, I should have stayed so we could work things out.” He was confused, lost his train of thought for a moment because he hadn’t stormed out as much as he’d make an escape attempt and succeeded, he made it sound like they’d had an argument and he’d needed a break at his brothers place, not like he’d fled an abusive situation.

“I- Sei, you’re not going back to him.”

“Of course I am,” he continued cutting carrots with shaking hands, remembering the flash of silver in tanned fingers and faltering, almost slipping but correcting himself at the last moment and knife slicing through orange neatly. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Are you delusional? We are not letting you go back!” “Hm, why not?”

“God, what’s wrong with you?” His voice was shaking because he was terrified, this was his brother but it really wasn’t at the same time, he never lied before, or acted so calm and controlled all the time, he’d never been so held in, he’d never acted so stupid and he was as much angry as he was desperate. “Why won’t you let me know what’s going on, I just want to understand!”

“I can’t tell you because there’s nothing going on, we just had a fight.” “How did you get hurt then?” “I’ve already told you this, I fell down the stairs. We’d been drinking, I went to get the pizza and I fell, okay? I’m sorry I didn’t tell you at the time but I didn’t want to worry you, Mizuki took me to the hospital and they said I just needed to heal, I’m fine.”

“You fell down the stairs?” deadpan at his brothers obvious lies, because nobody got finger-marks like that from a fall down the stairs, nor bruises like his, not the hard black eye and the torn lip, no, they were caused by fists.

“Yes.”

“That’s your story?”

“That’s what happened.” He looked a little angry now, lowering the knife and almost glaring at him, as if begging him to please just drop it, to let him carry on pretending things were alright like he had been, eyes glancing to Noiz as he walked in and knowing he was about to be overwhelmed.

“What’s wrong?”

“He wants to go back!”

“I know, he told me earlier,” Noiz shrugged, because of course he’d definitely not let him go back but Aoba yelling at his brother wouldn’t exactly solve things either, he knew they needed to be calm about this, to talk things through. “Look, we all need to calm down, Sei leave that for later, let’s make some coffee and talk about it, okay?”

 

* * *

 

 

“I want you to tell us the truth, Sei. We’re not going to be angry at you, or at Mizuki,” Aoba made a disgusted noise then and Noiz just shook his head at him and took his hand, urging him to stay quiet and listen, because yes they’d be furious at the bartender but Sei didn’t need to know that. “We want to know what’s been happening.” “

I told you, nothing.”

“Sei, we know that’s not true,” Aoba’s eyes were wet already, he could tell without looking, he kept swallowing hard and he could hear his breathing getting the tiniest bit emotional, squeezing his hand and staring across the couches at his brother, Noiz’s friend. “But you told me you’ve been fighting a lot.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, when you fight, does he ever get mad, or throw things?”

“Sometimes, but everybody does,” he wasn’t smiling now but he looked pale, expression neutral and fingers scrunched harshly together in his lap, the very picture of tension about to burst.

“Has he ever hurt you? Slapped you, or pushed you or anything?”

“I mean, he’s pushed me before, but I’ve pushed him too.”

“I don’t believe that, Sei. We- We spoke to Tio, he said he heard you arguing once then you came running into the bar with blood on your face and your eye all black. He never saw a single mark on Mizuki. We’re worried about you, Sei, we don’t want you going back, please, just stay here.”

“I-“ He began to speak again, to say that really, things were _fine,_ but something in his chest hurt and he was scared, because Aoba and Noiz had been kind to him for the last two weeks, solidly, they hadn’t yelled once or raised a hand to him or anything. Things had been nice, he’d been more relaxed, and now with that normality he realised how fucked up his life had been, “I don’t know what to do. I- I love him!”

He was crying now, again, knowing he could here without being screamed at for being pathetic, Noiz just passing over some tissues and Aoba looking like he might cry himself, Noiz being the one to speak, the voice of reason. “I know, Sei, but he’s not good for you. Please, don’t go back to him. We’re scared something bad will happen.”

“I- Maybe I could… Could stay here, a little while?”

“As long as you need, Sei.” He knew that was the best they’d get for now, releasing Aoba’s hand so he could go and cry with his brother, own green eyes desert dry and the cogs of his mind trying to figure out how the hell to fix this.

 

* * *

 

 

But then he walked into the bathroom and the security, the safety he’d been feeling all fell away and he could feel ice up his spine, staring at the empty bed and twisting suddenly to see the rest of the room, vision blurring and feeling drunk.

“Where’s the laundry I folded? Aoba. Aoba!” He came whenever he called, any time of the day or night, but now there was an edge of hysteria in his voice and he actually dropped the apple he was eating, not bothering to worry about it rolling across the floor, all but running into their bedroom to his brother’s side.

“Sei, what’s wrong?”

“Where’s the laundry I folded?” His voice was shaking but Aoba was confused, glancing around the room and not able to see any laundry, twisting as Sei had to check the top of the dresser and the window ledges, frowning and shushing him as he just asked again, louder, actually trembling where he’d taken his arm. “Where is it?”

“I- I don’t know, Noiz!”

He’d been on the way up anyway, conference call cut short due to a ‘personal emergency’ and knowing Aoba was already upstairs, hearing he was needed and obeying instantly because he knew the last thing Sei needed was to be ignored. “What’s up?”

“Where’s the laundry Sei folded?”

He looked as bemused as his boyfriend, just turning to regard Sei and seeing how pale he was, how tightly he was gripping onto Aoba with spindly fingers, “I… Put it away?”

“He put it away?”

“Yeah, look, it’s in here,” he walked to the chest of drawers then, removing the small pile he’d put there earlier, Sei’s eyes looking at it but not quite seeing it, nostrils flaring and swallowing so wetly it seemed to echo in the ominously small room.

“I folded it.”

“Yeah, you folded it, Sei, of course you did,” Aoba was nodding and smiling, reassuring him with a hand rubbing across his bony shoulder blades, but Noiz wasn’t so enthusiastic, his eyes were narrowed and he almost knew Sei wasn’t listening to them, or rather wasn’t hearing them.

“I folded it. I know I did, I remember. I always did it. I- I always remembered but then-“ He wasn’t crying, eyes completely dry but words trembling and cracking, hysteria rising into his words and hitching with a laugh that wasn’t nice as he continued. “I folded them. And Noiz put them away. I folded them. He didn’t- He’s not-“

“Yeah, should I not have put them away? Do you want them out again?” He had no idea what was going on again, but then he never seemed to with Sei, his mind was all over the place and he was shaking his head too fast, both Aoba and Noiz knowing who the ‘he’ was he spoke of.

“No, no. I’m not crazy. I folded them. I didn’t imagine it.”

“No, Sei, of course you didn’t,” Noiz spoke now, moving closer to try and help him, surprised when he moved back fast, stumbling a little but not pushing off the hand that came to rest on his elbow. “Come on relax, it’s fine.”

“I’m not crazy.”

“Sei, we never said yo-“ He was cut off suddenly, Sei almost yelling at him, voice raised and shoving both of them off, shaking his head insi

stently and acting remarkably crazy for somebody so insistent that they weren’t crazy. “I’m not crazy!”

“No, you’re not crazy,” Aoba looked scared, eyes crinkled in pain and biting his lip, not knowing what to do or what to say because things had seemed a little better today and now something this small had brought him right back to square one, before then even. So it was Noiz who stepped up, taking both of Sei’s shaking hands and drawing his gaze, staring right into his eyes.

“I’m not crazy.”

“No, you’re not.”

“I’m not?”

“No, Sei, you’re not crazy, come on, let’s sit down, okay?” Aoba found his voice then, leading Sei to the bed and watching him ease down, breathing getting a little slower now, more regulated as he nodded a couple of times, body tense even as Noiz rubbed circles into his back and he flopped onto Aoba’s shoulder.

“I’m not crazy. I’m sorry, I- I thought it was happening again.” “What was?” Soft voices, gentle touches, the ultimate amount of care they could provide for him while he tried to recover, while he was so vulnerable.

“I- I used to do think I’d done things I hadn’t.”

“So, you’d think you’d folded the laundry but then it wouldn’t be there later?”

“Mm, or it’d be unfolded like I’d never done it.”

Noiz and Aoba shared a look then, behind his back, both having no idea what was going on and what he was talking about, just glad he’d relaxed now and both suddenly back on guard because they didn’t want him to freak out like this again.

 

* * *

 

 

“Sei, I’m making lunch, you want some?”

“Oh, I already had something.”

“You- How can you have done? You’ve been with me all morning.”

“That’s not my plate in the sink?”

“No, it’s from Noiz’s breakfast, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I- Usually when there’s a plate he- I haven’t eaten yet?”

“No.”

“Oh. Okay, I thought I’d forgotten.”

“Forgotten what?” “That I’d eaten, I used to do that sometimes.”

“Oh, right. Um, well I was just gunna make a sandwich or something, if you want to make some salad?” “Mm, okay.”

 

* * *

 

 

“We need to talk to somebody about this, he’s acting psychotic!”

“That’s not the right word.”

“Well fine, he’s acting crazy! Noiz, I’m being serious, I don’t know what’s wrong with him, he freaked out over laundry and the other day he thought he’d already eaten when he obviously hadn’t, we need to know what we’re dealing with!” He looked so deeply upset, so freaked out and lost that Noiz knew they had to do _something,_ they couldn’t deal with this by themselves anymore, they needed professional help, and soon.

“I know, I know, relax, okay? I’ll make some calls tomorrow, see if we can work out what’s going on, but… I know he probably needs it but I don’t think he’d like it if we took him to a psychiatrist or whatever.”

 

* * *

 

 

“I rang up a couple places, domestic abuse charities, I think I know what’s wrong. It’s called Gaslighting.”

“Well what is it?”

“It’s kinda hard to explain, it’s… A little like brainwashing.”

“Brainwashing?!” He was understandably horrified because brainwashing to him was something from a movie, not something that really happened and certainly not something that could happen to somebody as intelligent as his brother.

“Yeah, well not quite. I told them about the laundry, they said it sounded like Sei would fold the laundry then Mizuki would unfold it so Sei got confused.”

“Wait, on purpose?”

“I don’t know, she said normally the abuser doesn’t realise what they’re doing but I don’t think I believe that. And the eating thing? Mizuki probably binned some food or left plates out then told Sei he’d eaten already so he’d think he had.”

“That’s why he’s so skinny? Because he’d been skipping meals without realising? I- What do we do?”

“I don’t know, she recommended we get him some professional help and I agree with her, but…”

“He’ll think we think he’s crazy,” Aoba sighed then, lowering the leaflet of a local domestic abuse charity he’d been reading and curling into Noiz’s side instead, feeling so helpless and wishing there was some magic fix to make everything alright again. “I just want him to be okay.”

“I know, me too, babe, but it’s not that easy, it’s going to take a really long time.”

 

He agreed to see somebody, they were surprised at first, but he explained he needed to know he wasn’t crazy and seeing somebody was the best way of proving that, Aoba nodding as if that wasn’t screwed up in itself and Noiz saying he’d get the best money could buy.

His talk of going back faded after only two weeks of seeing the lady he’d found, a specialist in these kind of things and damned expensive too, but he didn’t leave the house until nearly four months after the whole thing had happened and only ever with Noiz or Aoba with him, never going far at all. There’d been talk of calling the police but Sei refused to say anything against him, just letting Noiz and Aoba go to the apartment for his belongings and them refusing to let him know how pathetically Mizuki had grovelled, didn’t tell him about the rather brutal kick Aoba had aimed at his face, almost breaking his nose.

 

* * *

 

 

He didn’t want him to know, to see that he was terrified still after all this time, gripping hard onto Noiz’s arm because God he was so scared and he hated the way his heart still ached when he saw him.

“Sei? What’s wrong…?” But he trailed off because he’d seen him too now, lime green eyes narrowed into a glare as he drew Sei closer into his side, feeling him shaking against him and hoping, praying that Mizuki wouldn’t see them. But he did, of course he did, eyes meeting Sei’s for a second and expression morphing through so many emotions Noiz didn’t even know which one to focus on. Shocked and maybe even hopeful for a second, but then hurt and angry as Sei could barely even look at him, lips downturned in sadness but eyes hard as he swallowed thickly and averted his gaze, staring at the pavement and if Noiz wasn’t so observant he wouldn’t have seen the way his fists balled up.

 

Sei managed to walk for a little more, then his legs were shaking too hard to continue and Noiz had to lead him into a side street, hugging him close while his breaths choked out of him and his lungs seemed to close off, shushing him and telling him it was okay, he was safe, Noiz wouldn’t let anybody hurt him.

He calmed down finally, saying in a small voice that he wanted to go home, he didn’t want to be outside anymore, it wasn’t safe now, Noiz agreeing easily and phoning Aoba to let him know they were coming back, what had happened. Sei had shoved in some earphones, a strange coping technique he had, a calming playlist of songs he used when he needed to block out the outside world, breathing slowing down as they began the walk back.

“Babe, hey, we’re coming back. We saw him.”

He inhaled sharply and Noiz could imagine the tightly drawn expression he’d have, nostrils flaring in anger at the mere mention of Mizuki, “did he do anything?”

“No, just looked, freaked Sei out though. He had a panic attack but he’s a bit calmer now.”

“God, I really thought he might be able to do it. He’s been doing so well and this is gunna spoil all his progress.”

“I know, but it’s fine, we can look after him until he’s okay again.”

“What if he’s never okay again?”

“I-“ But his words run out, because he didn’t know what to say to argue against a statement that could well be true.


End file.
